The Beginning of the End

I remember that awful call on the 5th of August 2018. I remember our last conversation, my last moment with you and your last breath. I wish I had told you so much more but I was in denial that you'd be gone so soon. I wish you'd been able to spend your last few months at home allowing you to spend quality time with your new born grandson.

After your loss it has been one big roller coaster ride. I mean where do I even start! I am not sure that those reading my new blog may even appreciate what I have to say but these are my feelings, my perspective and my voice. If they don't like it- don't read it.

Since you left, I only ever thought that talking to you would mean everything would be okay. Your perspective on life and your advice was always so grounded. Grieving is hard, I tried it all- believe me. Not talking, talking, bereavement counselling, ignore the sadness, the feeling of loss and carrying on with life as normal. My biggest lesson in all of this- no one will ever understand what 'you' are going through. Not your mother, your sibling(s), husband, best friend or extended family. Reason: we all miss you for different reasons, it’s that simple! People say it gets easy- what a load of rubbish!! It’s been nearly 15 months and believe you me, it gets harder…much harder.

I did not publicly grieve. I did not show much emotion. My biggest annoyance during my early grieving months- people’s perception of how I was ‘coping.’ Many will say that not showing emotion is a form of grieving- I know you really don't need to tell me! But for those of you looking in, 'I must be 'coping' right?! I have to.' I have a new born who needs me, a family who needs me, siblings who rely on me for support and my in laws family experiencing wonderful and happy moments/ events. What about me? When people (I'd say about 95% of people were and still are guilty of this) saw my siblings and I 'grieving' in our own way, I got 'look after your sister, she really needs you, she's really taken it bad, she's really fragile...have a chat with your brother he's really upset, stay strong, you're the strong one, you have to be there for everyone, you're the mature one so you have to be'. You know how I really felt Dad- pissed off!! What? because I wasn't crying, because I would smile, because I DID NOT SHOW MUCH EMOTION!

Let me be clear, I have no objection to how any of my family or siblings displayed their emotions when you passed away. Believe me, it is there every right to grieve how they want to. My point is because I was not displaying a certain persona at the time of your passing, I must have been strong and therefore 'coping'. Maybe this comes from the fact that I’m a private person- I don't know. There are only so many people in my life that know how I manage/ display and express my emotions. They did not see that when the days/events were over, I would go home get in to bed and cry for hours, fall asleep, wake up and put on this mask again. My husband would not say a single word other than you need to let it out, cry as much as you want. You need me, I'm here, you don't I'm still here so you talk to me when you are ready. He is the one person I can truly say that has had MY best interests at heart during this whole process. What I learnt: I have to live my life for me. Do what works for me. Take those with me in my journey that will elevate me emotionally, psychologically and physically. As tough as this may sound but you taught me one thing- You only have one life. You have to live your best life and only I can achieve that. Only I know what that looks like. So sorry friends and family, if you don’t cut it you're out! I AM GOING TO LIVE MY BEST LIFE!

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