During my pregnancy and our move up to the Midlands, you worried about my employment situation. Knowing I was in the process of requesting a transfer for when I finally go back to work after my maternity was not sufficient enough. You would often ask me, what’s happening with work, have you heard anything yet, will you get a position in Nottingham, what if you don’t? These were all legit questions.

I had options of course:-

1. Get a transfer

2. Don’t get a transfer and we all temporarily move back to see if it's feasible

3. Resign

4. Work with Mehul in his business

5. Do something in a similar field

Well you’d be pleased to know my transfer was accepted- was I worried I wouldn’t get it- absolutely not! I mean you just need to work in my profession to know there are always jobs going- not always advertised! Our Profession is known for staff shortages as are other professions of course.

I was however worried about going back to work. At my previous place of work, I had a great team, a great manager and overall it was welcoming and inclusive. I’d been there 4 years- got my PSO Qualification, saw the split through, moved back to the civil service, got my PO Qualification. If I could turn back time, I would have remained there- but that’s why we have hindsight! In Nottingham, it was like starting a new job (new manager, city, team, building) but the same old job- literally. Taking just over a year out you’d think I’d forget some stuff- how to use the systems, but as they say it’s like riding a bike or car.

I’m used to chaotic, but this was on another level. I’m used to staff shortages/ short term sickness but this was off the charts. My experience was very different. But I still loved doing the job. Something was missing though. I finally had time to think, breathe, to reflect on the past year. I’d travel on the bus to and from work, look out the window and think of you. Sometimes, I would drive but again I would think of you. All of a sudden you were at the forefront of my thoughts. I became reserved, I didn’t want to be at work, I didn’t want to be at home, I didn’t want to be anywhere. I just wanted to snuggle up somewhere, where no one could find me and think about you.

I remember your laugh- the infectious one when you tell a bad joke and laugh out loud because you thought it was hilarious- yep that laugh. Mehul often has his funny moments and laughs just like that and I am tell him ‘you remind me of my dad’.

I remember your love for cars when I drive, your encouragement to drive on the motorway pretty much the same week I passed- ‘It’s the safest road to drive- once you are on it’. I often think to myself would Dad have called me a part-timer and sniggered at me for not working full time or full days? Quite frankly if I had the support I thought I was going to have by moving to the Midlands maybe working full time would have been an option.

I miss you for not shutting the negativity down. I miss you for asking me if I enjoy work, how work was, do I still enjoy it, what type of cases I have, what my job entails. I can categorically tell you that not one immediate family member has asked any of those questions. When family or friends or people you know do not show you interest as a person it hurts. A simple how has it been going back to work? How do you manage? How do I juggle everything?

It makes you think what was the point. What was the point in moving to the Midlands- we would have managed down South right? In all these years I thought Mum was the reason, she’s the glue, but I was wrong- you were! You knew what to say and when to say it (most of the time). You knew when we were fine, when we were not. You were there without question at the drop of a hat.

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